Fic: Breaking Barney (1/1) (HIMYM)
Mar. 28th, 2009 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kataylaTitle: Breaking Barney (1/1)
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Spoilers: Just the bare basics for How I Met Your Mother, but Breaking Dawn is pretty thoroughly spoiled.
Rating: PG
Summary: Companion piece to Of Vampires and Werewolves: The gang reacts to Breaking Dawn
Word Count: 876
Author’s notes: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jobiegirl6, who wouldn't let me forget about my promise to write this fic.
“Oh, Barney,” Lily said, as she and Marshall sat down at their usual MacClaren’s table. “You’re not reading that again?”
Barney didn’t look up from the thick, black book. “I’m trying to figure out where it all went wrong.”
“Nothing went wrong,” Ted said in a tired voice. “It was a great book.”
“Okay,” Barney slammed the book shut. “It was not a great book. Breaking Dawn sucks! I mean, marriage and babies? Ew.” He shuddered.
“Baby,” Ted said. “One baby.”
“One baby is one too many,” Barney said.
“Yeah, it is,” Robin said, sitting down at the table. “Wait, what are we talking about?”
“What do you think?” Lily nodded at the book.
“Ah,” Robin said. “That book sucked.”
“Thank you, Scherbatsky. See, Robin’s the only one of you who has any taste.”
“You were Team Edward, remember?” Lily said. “You should be happy!”
“I didn’t want them to get married,” Barney said. “And, please, waiting until they got married to have sex? What kind of message is that sending?”
Ted smiled. “I thought it was kind of romantic.”
“No way,” Barney said. “Give me Emmett and Rosalie. They smashed lots of houses!”
“Yeah!” Robin said. “I wanted to read about that.”
“You guys remember these are kids books, right?” Marshall said.
“And Jacob imprinting on a baby?” Barney said.
“Like you’ve never hit on someone much younger than you,” Ted said.
“Only if they’re legal!”
“Besides,” Robin said. “That whole imprinting thing is kind of creepy. One look and you’re with that person for the rest of your life?” She shuddered.
“Come on,” Ted said. “Haven’t you ever felt that way about someone? That all of sudden they’re the center of your universe?”
Robin wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Ted smiled. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Robin said. “You just thought you did.”
“And you broke up,” Barney pointed out. “Imprinting is supposed to last forever. Anyway, I was rooting for Jacob and Leah. They would have had hot, angsty sex.”
“Jacob had to end up with Nessie,” Marshall said. “She has the coolest name ever!”
“I can’t believe you abandoned Team Jacob just because of that,” Lily said.
“Yeah, you just better hope I never meet a Nessie,” Marshall said.
Lily rolled her eyes. “At least Jacob still gets to be a part of Bella’s life.”
“Her creepy life,” Robin said.
“It’s not creepy!” Ted said. “She gets to be with the people she loves the most forever. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“Except Charlie,” Barney said. “He’s going to die.”
“Barney!” Lily said. “What a terrible thing to say!”
“Humans die, Lily. Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Barney asked.
“Bella could just turn him into a vampire,” Marshall said.
“You can’t go around turning everyone into a vampire!” Robin said.
“Why not?” Ted asked. “That’s what I’d do. I’d turn everyone I loved into a vampire, so we could be together forever.”
Marshall scooted a little away from Ted.
“I’m not a vampire!” Ted shouted.
“Like you’d admit it if you were! Lily, switch seats with me.”
“So you’re going to sacrifice your wife for yourself?” Barney scoffed. “Be a man!”
“Besides, I’d just turn you into a vampire anyway,” Lily said.
“Lily!” Marshall said. “You know that’s one of my greatest fears.”
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
“You can’t use that as an argument for every single supernatural creature!” Robin said.
Marshall shook his head. “You’re so close minded. Just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I’d make an awesome vampire,” Barney said.
Everyone started at him.
“What?” He said. “Look at how incredible looking I am now. Add in vampire beauty and no girl would be able to resist me.”
Lily and Robin rolled their eyes at each other.
“Uh, Barney?” Ted said. “Haven’t you noticed that all vampire relationships are monogamous?”
“Yeah,” Lily said. “Jasper and Alice, Esme and Carlise . . . .“
Barney’s face fell. “These are terrible books.” He slammed Breaking Dawn down onto the table. “I’m going to write a vampire book where nobody gets married and everyone has lots of sex.”
Lily frowned. “You’re going to write vampire porn?”
“Yes!” Barney said. “I’ve always known I’d make a lasting contribution to the world, but only now is the shape of it becoming clear.” He stood up from the table, and raised his glass. “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!” He slammed his glass on the table and walked out of MacClaren’s.
Ted looked at the others. “I always knew he’d make us proud.”
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Spoilers: Just the bare basics for How I Met Your Mother, but Breaking Dawn is pretty thoroughly spoiled.
Rating: PG
Summary: Companion piece to Of Vampires and Werewolves: The gang reacts to Breaking Dawn
Word Count: 876
Author’s notes: For
jobiegirl6, who wouldn't let me forget about my promise to write this fic.“Oh, Barney,” Lily said, as she and Marshall sat down at their usual MacClaren’s table. “You’re not reading that again?”
Barney didn’t look up from the thick, black book. “I’m trying to figure out where it all went wrong.”
“Nothing went wrong,” Ted said in a tired voice. “It was a great book.”
“Okay,” Barney slammed the book shut. “It was not a great book. Breaking Dawn sucks! I mean, marriage and babies? Ew.” He shuddered.
“Baby,” Ted said. “One baby.”
“One baby is one too many,” Barney said.
“Yeah, it is,” Robin said, sitting down at the table. “Wait, what are we talking about?”
“What do you think?” Lily nodded at the book.
“Ah,” Robin said. “That book sucked.”
“Thank you, Scherbatsky. See, Robin’s the only one of you who has any taste.”
“You were Team Edward, remember?” Lily said. “You should be happy!”
“I didn’t want them to get married,” Barney said. “And, please, waiting until they got married to have sex? What kind of message is that sending?”
Ted smiled. “I thought it was kind of romantic.”
“No way,” Barney said. “Give me Emmett and Rosalie. They smashed lots of houses!”
“Yeah!” Robin said. “I wanted to read about that.”
“You guys remember these are kids books, right?” Marshall said.
“And Jacob imprinting on a baby?” Barney said.
“Like you’ve never hit on someone much younger than you,” Ted said.
“Only if they’re legal!”
“Besides,” Robin said. “That whole imprinting thing is kind of creepy. One look and you’re with that person for the rest of your life?” She shuddered.
“Come on,” Ted said. “Haven’t you ever felt that way about someone? That all of sudden they’re the center of your universe?”
Robin wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Ted smiled. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Robin said. “You just thought you did.”
“And you broke up,” Barney pointed out. “Imprinting is supposed to last forever. Anyway, I was rooting for Jacob and Leah. They would have had hot, angsty sex.”
“Jacob had to end up with Nessie,” Marshall said. “She has the coolest name ever!”
“I can’t believe you abandoned Team Jacob just because of that,” Lily said.
“Yeah, you just better hope I never meet a Nessie,” Marshall said.
Lily rolled her eyes. “At least Jacob still gets to be a part of Bella’s life.”
“Her creepy life,” Robin said.
“It’s not creepy!” Ted said. “She gets to be with the people she loves the most forever. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“Except Charlie,” Barney said. “He’s going to die.”
“Barney!” Lily said. “What a terrible thing to say!”
“Humans die, Lily. Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Barney asked.
“Bella could just turn him into a vampire,” Marshall said.
“You can’t go around turning everyone into a vampire!” Robin said.
“Why not?” Ted asked. “That’s what I’d do. I’d turn everyone I loved into a vampire, so we could be together forever.”
Marshall scooted a little away from Ted.
“I’m not a vampire!” Ted shouted.
“Like you’d admit it if you were! Lily, switch seats with me.”
“So you’re going to sacrifice your wife for yourself?” Barney scoffed. “Be a man!”
“Besides, I’d just turn you into a vampire anyway,” Lily said.
“Lily!” Marshall said. “You know that’s one of my greatest fears.”
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
“You can’t use that as an argument for every single supernatural creature!” Robin said.
Marshall shook his head. “You’re so close minded. Just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I’d make an awesome vampire,” Barney said.
Everyone started at him.
“What?” He said. “Look at how incredible looking I am now. Add in vampire beauty and no girl would be able to resist me.”
Lily and Robin rolled their eyes at each other.
“Uh, Barney?” Ted said. “Haven’t you noticed that all vampire relationships are monogamous?”
“Yeah,” Lily said. “Jasper and Alice, Esme and Carlise . . . .“
Barney’s face fell. “These are terrible books.” He slammed Breaking Dawn down onto the table. “I’m going to write a vampire book where nobody gets married and everyone has lots of sex.”
Lily frowned. “You’re going to write vampire porn?”
“Yes!” Barney said. “I’ve always known I’d make a lasting contribution to the world, but only now is the shape of it becoming clear.” He stood up from the table, and raised his glass. “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!” He slammed his glass on the table and walked out of MacClaren’s.
Ted looked at the others. “I always knew he’d make us proud.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 11:10 pm (UTC)I really enjoyed this, thank you!
Also, my icon? Vampire!Barney. <3
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 11:26 pm (UTC)“From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
So, he's going to be the next Anne Rice? ;)
*goes off to read the prequel*
“From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 12:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 12:56 am (UTC)Hee! Barney would write vampire porn, and there would be no monogamy in it anywhere. And he would make an awesome vampire. Gotta admit, with the whole vampire topic I was waiting for a Buffy shout-out of some kind.
Very funny, though, you definitely nailed their dynamic.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 01:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 01:24 am (UTC)So much better than I even expected. I don't know what to say that everyone else hasn't. It totally made my day (much better than spinning out on the freeway!)
You are absolutely the greatest, and if I were a vampire (if....hahaha) I'd totally make you a vampire too so that you'd always to around to write amazing fanfic and talk to about our shows!
(Also, I'm with Ted!)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 01:40 am (UTC)Can you make this into a series where they talk about everything? Like you should do Gossip Girl next. Barney would love Chuck cause he's suits up and has alot of sex and Marshall would be inexplicably attracted to Dan and wants Lily to roleplay as Blair. Lily covets Serena's hair and Robin/Ted get into a fight about who's side they're on: Jenny's or Nate's (Barney approves of Nate's lifestyle but he has a soft spot for J). LOL.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 02:30 am (UTC)HA! and.
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
HAHAHAHA. I WANT TO HIRE YOU TO WRITE ME FANFICTION FULL TIME. CAN I DO THAT?
This is just super excellent! Now I'm imagining Barney writing fanfiction. hahahahahahaha
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 03:29 am (UTC)I write Vampire Porn. Sure, I still Joss Whedon's vampires and make them screw each other silly but it's fun darn it!
Though I suppose, there's always room in the fandom for Barney writing vampire porn :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 03:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 05:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-04-26 09:06 pm (UTC)this was perfect, hon, the dialogue was all perfectly IC, very well done :) enjoyed it :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 01:34 pm (UTC)(okay, yeah I was randomly stalking your entries--entry. the writing entry.)
Gosh I laughed so hard! so so so hard! You're amazing with the dialogues oh god, I'm still giggling like crazy =))
“Bella could just turn him into a vampire,” Marshall said.
“You can’t go around turning everyone into a vampire!” Robin said.
hahaha ahahah! Robin you are KILLING ME! =))) you can't just go around turning everyone into a vampire Marshall! Don't you understand!! huh!? HUH!?
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
“You can’t use that as an argument for every single supernatural creature!” Robin said.
THIS IS SOOOOOOOOO MARSHALL OH GOD *rolls on the floor* =)))
“From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
I KNEW HE'D MAKE US PROUD. TOTALLY! =)))
oh god, thanks for this =)) I was so bored here!
(no subject)
From: