Fic: Breaking Barney (1/1) (HIMYM)
Mar. 28th, 2009 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kataylaTitle: Breaking Barney (1/1)
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Spoilers: Just the bare basics for How I Met Your Mother, but Breaking Dawn is pretty thoroughly spoiled.
Rating: PG
Summary: Companion piece to Of Vampires and Werewolves: The gang reacts to Breaking Dawn
Word Count: 876
Author’s notes: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jobiegirl6, who wouldn't let me forget about my promise to write this fic.
“Oh, Barney,” Lily said, as she and Marshall sat down at their usual MacClaren’s table. “You’re not reading that again?”
Barney didn’t look up from the thick, black book. “I’m trying to figure out where it all went wrong.”
“Nothing went wrong,” Ted said in a tired voice. “It was a great book.”
“Okay,” Barney slammed the book shut. “It was not a great book. Breaking Dawn sucks! I mean, marriage and babies? Ew.” He shuddered.
“Baby,” Ted said. “One baby.”
“One baby is one too many,” Barney said.
“Yeah, it is,” Robin said, sitting down at the table. “Wait, what are we talking about?”
“What do you think?” Lily nodded at the book.
“Ah,” Robin said. “That book sucked.”
“Thank you, Scherbatsky. See, Robin’s the only one of you who has any taste.”
“You were Team Edward, remember?” Lily said. “You should be happy!”
“I didn’t want them to get married,” Barney said. “And, please, waiting until they got married to have sex? What kind of message is that sending?”
Ted smiled. “I thought it was kind of romantic.”
“No way,” Barney said. “Give me Emmett and Rosalie. They smashed lots of houses!”
“Yeah!” Robin said. “I wanted to read about that.”
“You guys remember these are kids books, right?” Marshall said.
“And Jacob imprinting on a baby?” Barney said.
“Like you’ve never hit on someone much younger than you,” Ted said.
“Only if they’re legal!”
“Besides,” Robin said. “That whole imprinting thing is kind of creepy. One look and you’re with that person for the rest of your life?” She shuddered.
“Come on,” Ted said. “Haven’t you ever felt that way about someone? That all of sudden they’re the center of your universe?”
Robin wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Ted smiled. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Robin said. “You just thought you did.”
“And you broke up,” Barney pointed out. “Imprinting is supposed to last forever. Anyway, I was rooting for Jacob and Leah. They would have had hot, angsty sex.”
“Jacob had to end up with Nessie,” Marshall said. “She has the coolest name ever!”
“I can’t believe you abandoned Team Jacob just because of that,” Lily said.
“Yeah, you just better hope I never meet a Nessie,” Marshall said.
Lily rolled her eyes. “At least Jacob still gets to be a part of Bella’s life.”
“Her creepy life,” Robin said.
“It’s not creepy!” Ted said. “She gets to be with the people she loves the most forever. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“Except Charlie,” Barney said. “He’s going to die.”
“Barney!” Lily said. “What a terrible thing to say!”
“Humans die, Lily. Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Barney asked.
“Bella could just turn him into a vampire,” Marshall said.
“You can’t go around turning everyone into a vampire!” Robin said.
“Why not?” Ted asked. “That’s what I’d do. I’d turn everyone I loved into a vampire, so we could be together forever.”
Marshall scooted a little away from Ted.
“I’m not a vampire!” Ted shouted.
“Like you’d admit it if you were! Lily, switch seats with me.”
“So you’re going to sacrifice your wife for yourself?” Barney scoffed. “Be a man!”
“Besides, I’d just turn you into a vampire anyway,” Lily said.
“Lily!” Marshall said. “You know that’s one of my greatest fears.”
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
“You can’t use that as an argument for every single supernatural creature!” Robin said.
Marshall shook his head. “You’re so close minded. Just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I’d make an awesome vampire,” Barney said.
Everyone started at him.
“What?” He said. “Look at how incredible looking I am now. Add in vampire beauty and no girl would be able to resist me.”
Lily and Robin rolled their eyes at each other.
“Uh, Barney?” Ted said. “Haven’t you noticed that all vampire relationships are monogamous?”
“Yeah,” Lily said. “Jasper and Alice, Esme and Carlise . . . .“
Barney’s face fell. “These are terrible books.” He slammed Breaking Dawn down onto the table. “I’m going to write a vampire book where nobody gets married and everyone has lots of sex.”
Lily frowned. “You’re going to write vampire porn?”
“Yes!” Barney said. “I’ve always known I’d make a lasting contribution to the world, but only now is the shape of it becoming clear.” He stood up from the table, and raised his glass. “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!” He slammed his glass on the table and walked out of MacClaren’s.
Ted looked at the others. “I always knew he’d make us proud.”
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Spoilers: Just the bare basics for How I Met Your Mother, but Breaking Dawn is pretty thoroughly spoiled.
Rating: PG
Summary: Companion piece to Of Vampires and Werewolves: The gang reacts to Breaking Dawn
Word Count: 876
Author’s notes: For
jobiegirl6, who wouldn't let me forget about my promise to write this fic.“Oh, Barney,” Lily said, as she and Marshall sat down at their usual MacClaren’s table. “You’re not reading that again?”
Barney didn’t look up from the thick, black book. “I’m trying to figure out where it all went wrong.”
“Nothing went wrong,” Ted said in a tired voice. “It was a great book.”
“Okay,” Barney slammed the book shut. “It was not a great book. Breaking Dawn sucks! I mean, marriage and babies? Ew.” He shuddered.
“Baby,” Ted said. “One baby.”
“One baby is one too many,” Barney said.
“Yeah, it is,” Robin said, sitting down at the table. “Wait, what are we talking about?”
“What do you think?” Lily nodded at the book.
“Ah,” Robin said. “That book sucked.”
“Thank you, Scherbatsky. See, Robin’s the only one of you who has any taste.”
“You were Team Edward, remember?” Lily said. “You should be happy!”
“I didn’t want them to get married,” Barney said. “And, please, waiting until they got married to have sex? What kind of message is that sending?”
Ted smiled. “I thought it was kind of romantic.”
“No way,” Barney said. “Give me Emmett and Rosalie. They smashed lots of houses!”
“Yeah!” Robin said. “I wanted to read about that.”
“You guys remember these are kids books, right?” Marshall said.
“And Jacob imprinting on a baby?” Barney said.
“Like you’ve never hit on someone much younger than you,” Ted said.
“Only if they’re legal!”
“Besides,” Robin said. “That whole imprinting thing is kind of creepy. One look and you’re with that person for the rest of your life?” She shuddered.
“Come on,” Ted said. “Haven’t you ever felt that way about someone? That all of sudden they’re the center of your universe?”
Robin wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Ted smiled. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Robin said. “You just thought you did.”
“And you broke up,” Barney pointed out. “Imprinting is supposed to last forever. Anyway, I was rooting for Jacob and Leah. They would have had hot, angsty sex.”
“Jacob had to end up with Nessie,” Marshall said. “She has the coolest name ever!”
“I can’t believe you abandoned Team Jacob just because of that,” Lily said.
“Yeah, you just better hope I never meet a Nessie,” Marshall said.
Lily rolled her eyes. “At least Jacob still gets to be a part of Bella’s life.”
“Her creepy life,” Robin said.
“It’s not creepy!” Ted said. “She gets to be with the people she loves the most forever. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“Except Charlie,” Barney said. “He’s going to die.”
“Barney!” Lily said. “What a terrible thing to say!”
“Humans die, Lily. Haven’t you figured that out by now?” Barney asked.
“Bella could just turn him into a vampire,” Marshall said.
“You can’t go around turning everyone into a vampire!” Robin said.
“Why not?” Ted asked. “That’s what I’d do. I’d turn everyone I loved into a vampire, so we could be together forever.”
Marshall scooted a little away from Ted.
“I’m not a vampire!” Ted shouted.
“Like you’d admit it if you were! Lily, switch seats with me.”
“So you’re going to sacrifice your wife for yourself?” Barney scoffed. “Be a man!”
“Besides, I’d just turn you into a vampire anyway,” Lily said.
“Lily!” Marshall said. “You know that’s one of my greatest fears.”
“Okay,” Robin said. “Am I the only one who remembers that vampires don’t exist!”
“Oh, Robin,” Marshall said. “That’s what they want you to think.”
“You can’t use that as an argument for every single supernatural creature!” Robin said.
Marshall shook his head. “You’re so close minded. Just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
“I’d make an awesome vampire,” Barney said.
Everyone started at him.
“What?” He said. “Look at how incredible looking I am now. Add in vampire beauty and no girl would be able to resist me.”
Lily and Robin rolled their eyes at each other.
“Uh, Barney?” Ted said. “Haven’t you noticed that all vampire relationships are monogamous?”
“Yeah,” Lily said. “Jasper and Alice, Esme and Carlise . . . .“
Barney’s face fell. “These are terrible books.” He slammed Breaking Dawn down onto the table. “I’m going to write a vampire book where nobody gets married and everyone has lots of sex.”
Lily frowned. “You’re going to write vampire porn?”
“Yes!” Barney said. “I’ve always known I’d make a lasting contribution to the world, but only now is the shape of it becoming clear.” He stood up from the table, and raised his glass. “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!” He slammed his glass on the table and walked out of MacClaren’s.
Ted looked at the others. “I always knew he’d make us proud.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 12:48 am (UTC)Robin could be a sexy vampire hunter with crossbows and/or guns (depending on whether we're talking Transylvania-vampires or urban fantasy). Then it could be a metaphor for how his love for her is killing his meaningless life of sex. Or something. It's kind of late where I am.
Oh, God, we're actually going to have to write this, aren't we?
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 12:54 am (UTC)*dies*
You've distracted me now!
>Robin could be a sexy vampire hunter with crossbows and/or guns (depending on whether we're talking Transylvania-vampires or urban fantasy).
Oh my GOD that's genius. GENIUS.
>Then it could be a metaphor for how his love for her is killing his meaningless life of sex. Or something. It's kind of late where I am.
It's 2am here. Nothing good ever happens after-
Screw that. I love this. I want sexy fights between sexy vampire hunter and sexy vampire. I think I said the words sexy too many times.
>Oh, God, we're actually going to have to write this, aren't we?
If we don't, I will feel cock-blocked.
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 12:57 am (UTC)You guys are cracking me up. This all makes PERFECT sense. :)
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 12:59 am (UTC)Should we do some drabbles?
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:13 am (UTC)Drabbles sound fun.
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:47 am (UTC)Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:01 am (UTC)"Oh my GOD that's genius. GENIUS."
I'm here all day. Or night. Whatever.
"It's 2am here. Nothing good ever happens after-"
Um, maybe it doesn't count, what with the Daylight Saving and all that?
And JEEZ. I just lost an hour. O_o I've never been up really late to watch that happen before.
"I love this. I want sexy fights between sexy vampire hunter and sexy vampire. I think I said the words sexy too many times."
If only for the sheer amounts of SEX. I think we might have to skip the fake novel idea and go straight for the AU.
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:24 am (UTC)>If only for the sheer amounts of SEX. I think we might have to skip the fake novel idea and go straight for the AU.
I'm actually fairly serious about writing this. I've always thought Barney would make a pretty damn fine vampire (have you read my story Twilight? - http://idioticonion.livejournal.com/42621.html)
I think we could tread the fine line between fake novel and AU.
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:46 am (UTC)... And I've just written like 400 words. Out of nowhere. Weird.
(Also, I just noticed -- I have icons of Barney/Neil kissing every other member of the main cast except for Ted. Shame.)
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 01:54 am (UTC)(2) I was just about to post a sandbox thread on my own journal about doing a classic Dracula story for Barney's "novel". Barney=Dracula - he seduces Lily=Lucy. Robin=Van Helsing. Ted=Mina Harker/Johnathan Harker (slash potential. Dracula!Barney swings both ways?) Leaving Marshall as the Dr Seward character, probably.
But if you imagine Barney as more of a Spike character than the traditional Dracula character...?
What do you think?
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 02:06 am (UTC)2. HIMYM Dracula sounds awesome. :) Especially bisexual Barney Dracula. I haven't actually read the novel, but I know the basic plot fairly well.
Re: “From now on, the name Barney Stinson will be synonymous with . . . vampire porn!”
Date: 2009-03-29 02:16 am (UTC)Are you going to post it tomorrow?
*poke*
You can never have too much Vampire Barney.